Finding Healing: Coping with Grief at Christmas

The Christmas season is often a season of twinkling lights, festive carols, and cherished family traditions. But when you are navigating the profound emptiness of loss, this time of year can feel less like a holiday and more like an impossible hurdle. The pressure to be "merry" only deepens the ache of an empty chair at the table.

This is the story of Joan and how she began to find a path toward healing during the Christmas season.

flowers on the grave

The Quiet Before the Storm

For Joan, Christmas wasn't just a holiday; it was a ritual orchestrated by her mother, Eleanor. Every year, Eleanor insisted on the same messy, joyful tradition: making mountains of shortbread cookies, decorating the tree with mismatched ornaments collected over decades, and reading A Christmas Carol aloud on Christmas Eve, with Eleanor dramatically voicing Scrooge.

Their bond was simple, deep, and unbreakable.

Then, last summer, everything shattered. Eleanor was gone in a fateful, sudden accident. The loss was immediate and total. The months that followed were a blur of paperwork, condolences, and a silence that felt deafening.

But as the days grew shorter and the calendar flipped to December, a new dread set in. Joan realized she wasn't just facing winter; she was facing her first Christmas coping with grief.

Facing the Empty Chair

The very thought of putting up the Christmas tree filled Joan with panic. Every ornament, every strand of tinsel, was a memory of her mother. The smell of pine needles brought tears instead of cheer. Her friends encouraged her to "power through" for the sake of her own small children, but Joan felt paralyzed. Abandoning all tradition felt like dishonouring her mother, but attempting the old ways felt like torture.

Her breaking point came when she opened the family recipe box and saw the shortbread recipe, written in Eleanor's familiar, looping handwriting. She didn't cry; she just closed the box and sat in the quiet, empty living room, consumed by guilt and exhaustion.

It was then she made a small, revolutionary decision: she wouldn't force herself to do everything, but she wouldn't do nothing. She needed to redefine the holiday, not abandon it.

Lessons from Joan’s Journey: What to Do

Joan realised that grief during the holidays doesn't require a one-size-fits-all solution. Her slow, deliberate steps toward managing the season offered powerful lessons for anyone coping with grief during the Christmas season.

1. Give Yourself Permission to Feel

Joan learned that the first step to finding healing is accepting that you are not okay, and that is okay. You don't have to put on a brave face for others. Allow yourself moments of sadness, anger, or even joy without guilt. Acknowledge that the holiday intensifies your feelings, and that's normal.

2. Pick and Choose Your Traditions

You have the power to curate your holiday experience. Joan couldn't handle the tree, but she did manage to bake a single batch of shortbread cookies, not to recreate the joy, but to feel a connection to her mother’s memory.

• Tip: It’s okay to skip big parties, hold a smaller gathering, or simply watch a favourite holiday film in pajamas. Focus on what brings comfort, not what brings pressure.

3. Create a Meaningful New Ritual

Instead of trying to replicate Eleanor's presence, Joan created a space for her memory. On Christmas morning, she and her family placed a framed photo of Eleanor on the mantle, lighting a small, unscented candle next to it. They dedicated that moment to sharing a favourite, funny memory of her.

• Tip: New rituals are not replacements; they are ways to integrate your loved one’s memory into your new life. Consider donating to a charity in their name or writing a letter to express your appreciation.

4. Set Firm Boundaries

Joan learned to say, "I can only stay for an hour," or, "Thank you, but I need a quiet night tonight." The needs of your grief take precedence over social obligation.

• Tip: Communicate clearly with friends and family. Let them know what you can handle and what you need, whether it’s silence, a distraction, or just a listening ear.

How to Find Help This Season

While navigating this path of holiday grief requires great personal strength, you never have to walk it alone. Professional support is a vital tool for healing, providing a neutral and safe space to process overwhelming emotions.

If you are struggling this Christmas season, please know that help is available. Talking to a grief counsellor or therapist can provide you with effective strategies to manage the unique challenges of the holidays and help you process the long-term journey of loss.

To take the next step toward finding support and creating your own path to healing, you can reach out for professional assistance today.

For expert, compassionate support, contact Jabali Behavioral Health.

Click Here to book an appointment